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Friday, July 24, 2015

Botol Susu

Aku baru saja log masuk ke deviantArt aku yang dah lama aku tingalkan. Mula-mula aku rasa berdebar. Hehe. Sebabnya, dulu aku selalu menghabiskan masa aku dalam deviantArt. Ikut sama dalam komuniti di sana, bergaul dan buat sedikit/sebanyak aktiviti. Selalunya aku ikut saja giveaway dan contest kecil-kecilan, maklumlah aku bukannya ada kerja yang hendak disiapkan.

Botol Susu ini, aku dapat dari art giveaway oleh miIkmaid. Rupa botol ni dirujuk kepada karakter anime, Jinrui wa Suitashite Shimashita, iaitu Oyage atau Voyager. Karakter  adalah sebuah satelit yang secara tiba-tiba mendapat tahap kesedaran seperti manusia, dan berubah rupa ke humanoid.

Aku sangat sukakan karekter itu. Walaupun ianya tidak logik di akal fikiran tentang bagaimana ianya berlaku, aku tersentuh dengan cerita Oyage. Dia dapat merasa—perasaan—dan kehangatan bila dia berada di bumi. *menagis

ini Oyage yang aku lukis. hehe

Every woman has the exact love life she wants?

Love, life. I'm not a lovable person. I had a hard time loving myself and everyone around me—because of my trust issue yadda yadda. That might be one of the reason why I choose solitary.  But by choosing solitude, I also choose to be free! Free from other people rules and norms. Free from their judgement and attitude. Free to do my daily routine my way, without anyone else meddling—with the exception of my parents. 

Love is something that you can't objectify. It is something that so intense and deep. It sometimes exist in an unexpected places for someone. Often though, people associated love that only exist between two romantically involve person. But surely love come in many ways. Like in our food, in our clothing, in our music, in our theater tickets, in our teddy bears, in our pets, in our garden. In your Life.

I don't have a partner in this life, still. But I'm free and I'm living my life fully—as fully as I can. That is the only thing I have for myself right now, and I love it. I love the life I live.

okay. yeah.

Day 6. Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”

< Day 5 | Day 7 >

Thursday, July 23, 2015

misconceptions about single

"Stop being picky and date someone already!"

I don't understand why it seems so wrong that I'm single. They thought I was picky, high maintenance even. I say, why not? Why can't I pick the right man to watch over the high maintenance. But that is not the case. I'm not that picky, there's not much to do to impress me. I'll even say that, pretty much everyone impress me at some point in their life—and annoy me to no end at most. 

Why would a single person date a random person just to change their status to a 'not-single' if they have no desire to do so? Some single women may be trying to wait for that special someone to come in their life, but some just don't have the reason to have a partner in their current point of life. So, it's not about being picky or that she hates his hair. It just that she don't want a partner, just yet.

"I know this boy, you should date him."

No stop it, I don't want your help. I wonder if I look so in dire need for a date that a friend decide that they should arrange a date for me. I don't think so. I've been living merrily through all this time, and me being single always makes someone frowning and weirded out. As if something is wrong with being single. 

Singles aren't desperately waiting for arranged date, neither they look for some spontaneous dates. There are reason why singles stay single in their life. People shouldn't make a person feels bad for being single. The singles might felt like such a huge disappointment at some point in those preaches boundary, when actually it isn't that big of deal. 

"Don't you like me?" -boy

Me: Excuse me? 
Me: Oh! Of course I do, I love you. You're my friend!! 
Me: Oh, hey! Where are you going? 
-3 months later-
Me: Why are you ignoring me?

The biggest misconception people have about single life! 

"You must be lonely."

I spent my earliest 9 months of my tiny little life in my mother's womb, alone with no one else, but never really lonely. We'll partner up when the time comes. If I'm indeed lonely why would I bother torturing myself for being single because I can't handle the nonexistence of a lover's affection. I would just tell my mother that I want a husband, then she would hopefully help me get one.

Being single is not equal to lonely. Being single is equal to less commitment. Being single means more time to your own self. Being in relationship means committing most of it for your partner. Both can be lonesome at some point. So being single is never the cause of being lonely. There not much time for being lonely if one is having a great ride of their life, no? Singles ≠ Lonely

I skip my narrative for today challenge. :p 

    Day 5. The biggest misconception people have about single life

    < Day 4 | Day 6 >

    Tuesday, July 21, 2015

    my biggest fear as a single person

    I secured my high crown braids with the hair pins. Finally! I managed to make it look good up there. Well it should have look good, I've spent a lot of time practicing the hairstyle. I had told them that I would do my hair on my own, though I don't think they appreciate it—since I am good but in hair styling and cosmetic.

    I let them touch me up on the face, making my skin looks a little bit more flawless then it usually did on a different day. But today is a special day, so I let them patch my face with all the chemicals I rather not know what.

    I twirl around, testing how my skirt flowed in the wind. I like how it comes out, the dress. I designing it myself! I always wanted to design my own dress, I just happen to come by with the perfect opportunity on this special day. The skirt might look a bit steampunk-ish but that's the idea! I love steampunk. My mother would question me in another day for wearing dresses like this, but today is not just any other day!

    Oh! Look the ceremony has started! The soon-to-be husband is coming in through the gate with his party and folks. The sounds of drums and tambourine is booming and echoing in the small and quiet village, following along with the groom steps. 

    He turn around and round the beads inlaid umbrella that fixed on the ground, performing the local tradition. I've seen it done during the weddings in this part of the country, countless of time already. Now he's reaching for the door, another man extending his hand to sprinkle water on his leather-clad-feet, another tradition.

    He walk in the door and proceed to the dais then stopping to stand in front of it, waiting. I look at his face through all of this affair. Seeing how awkward he is with the traditions, and people looking and standing in awe at him like he's a king. But still nothing seems to make his face gloom, he is as bright as the sun in the clear sky today.

    He glance at me once, and then I drop down the hand fan I was holding. Revealing the bride's bowed face. The groom let out a visible exhale, he must have hold his breath at one point. He smiled, and so does my sister, the bride. It always surprise me how those chemical makes one look prettier once applied correctly and thoughtfully. My sister look stunning. They always did on their wedding day.

    Now, I dreaded what's the next question to comes to my way. Let just hope that my parents don't fuss me over it, and don't bother all the question so much.

    *the fictional scene written by the author that picturized the exact biggest fear of her as a single person.


    I missed a few days, but I decide to continue this from the previous entry.

    Day 4. Your biggest fear as a single person.

    < Day 3 | Day 5 >

    Thursday, July 16, 2015

    Being single was really awesome!

    I woke up lazily to the blazing heat of the sun. I stretched and yawn to get the oxygen in my blood and brain running. I fuss with my tablet to see if I had any good morning messages from one of my friend, no such luck. I get all kinds of updates from social media instead! I run through them to see and read something more interesting.

    My friend invited me to hang out with them today, I have no problem to say 'yes'. You see, my friends—that usually invited me around—are boys. Someone might think it odd or inappropriate, but they are a good friends of mine. Besides, non of my old-female-classmates ever invited me that often.

    Because I woke up so late today, I just drank a cup of coffee for my breakfast! No one fuss me around or force feed me. Oh! You might think it's a sad sad way to start the day, but not for me! I like being my own person thank you very much.

    So there I went, strolling between the shops. I often get the feel of being watched. I sometime catch them—guys—on it too, I don't really mind. But you see, I can be such a flirt(always been)! Even if nothing about that someone intrigue me—etc.— I have no shame to flirt with them. Well, no one gonna stop me anyway!

    looking forward to Aidilfitri! My head is swimming I can't concentrate on the story telling!!

    Day 3. Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.

    Wednesday, July 15, 2015

    Wordless Wednesday #1: Gambar Pasport

    . . .

    Being single really sucked

    Another strike. I love bowling! How I wish I can bowl all day without paying, and without having to listen to them.

    I turn around and face the chit chattering of my typically loud group of friends. A smile on my face as I take my seat back and suck on a straw. Earlier on, they wanted to know how am I doing and what am I doing these days. They probably wanted to hear big, exciting things so they can gossip about it all day, but I have no such thing to record. And so here I am sitting in the corner, left out of the conversation, again.

    I don't mind it. Really, I don't!! Okay, you got me. Maybe I did feel a little bit stung when they brush me off again and again, but it's has been normal occurrence for them to do that to me. I don't think that they even notice it anymore.

    "... they've been together like forever."

    I know better not to ask them question now. Question like 'Who is that guy anyway?' only make me sound retarded, probably even more retarded than what they already thought about me. So I'm just minding my own Chocolate Shake and pretend to listen to all this nonsense about someone else boyfriend being a douche, waiting for a topic that I can take part with—which is very unlikely—to come up.

    IF I have a boyfriend right now. I wouldn't feel so lonely right here in the crowd of my 'friend'. They'll probably left stupefied for the rest of the day. That is something I'd like to see.

    The writing experiment continue. Do you like the cover-art? I edit those to! I plan to do that along with the challenges. It's like doing 3 challenge in 1 go!

    Day 2. Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.

    < Day 1 | Day 3

    Tuesday, July 14, 2015

    Unicode character

    I have so many [][](boxed) and  ??(unrecognized) character. But what I have now on my system is pretty much interesting... Like the menu in this blog itself is using the Unicode character. So if you only seeing nothing there or a question marks, then I'm very sorry to cause you confusion! There's the same link in the sidebar if this happen to you.

    this is how my menu suppose to look like;

    I like to browse the Unicode characters 'Symbol' & 'Other' list here on The characters amuse me. There's even animals and food! Cosmetic and stuff!

    So if you want to use this Unicode characters in your web/blog. Just copy and paste it anywhere you want. But some might end up unrecognized anyway. So you can do it like this;
    1. Open the character's info page in the site.  eg: here
    2. Copy the HTML entity; either decimal/hex.  eg: &#127911;
    3. Paste it as plain character.  eg: &#127911;
      • *On blogger blog post/html widget, you might want to paste it while in HTML editor.

    “And why are YOU still single?”

    He asked, quirking his eyebrow.

    I  look at him, surprised that he even asked me the question. Can't he see who is he talking to? Guys are weird. "no idea." I said, eventually.

    Two eyebrows raised high, unfazed. I have a feeling that he didn't believe me.

    "Really? You must be picky." He smirks. Boys.

    I said nothing.

    "You're cute..." He said as an afterthought.

    I sigh heavily. "That means nothing" because I'm a freak and a very bad person. I add internally.

    "Come one, there must be someone." He pried.

    "no." I said, with finality.

    meh, no wonder I'm still single. 
    How is my first person POV writing, any good? *grin

    Day 1. Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”

    Monday, July 13, 2015

    whats race?

    I have no problem stating my race as Malay, since it is what are stamped on my Id Card. But if looked closely on my heredity and all that genetic, the answer wont really be that simple. That's why I rather express myself proudly as a Malaysian.

    I think people rely on race just for some sense of belonging. A race is a group of people that speak the same language, cook the same food, wear the same kind of clothing, they even share some physical similarity. These things makes one feels simply free and easy when they stay within their race. They wont feel like an alien.

    Racism don't exist in a race. I don't think so. Racism only exist in a person. Just because they can't define themselves and their standing in the presence of another person with different traits. A person can be really afraid of another. It is as if they've meet an alien. Everything is different from what they use to have within their race, causing mild confusion and insecurity. They don't understand the other person so they start speculating things from what they saw and listen to. They ended up feeling doubtful, suspicious and then distrusting the alien.

    It's paranoia. Disputes occurred when they didn't know each other that very well.

    If I sound ignorant to you, I have no excuse for that. Maybe it's better to ignore an ugly gore-ish painting than gives the artist stank eye, or just don't even bother going to the exhibition.

    The Single Woman’s 30-Day Blogging Challenge!

    Oh! I haven't done blogging challenges for years!! Well, that's not so surprising since I haven't been blogging frequently for the last 4 year! I wanna try this challenge. Originally by Mandy from; I stumbled upon it from siti hajar's prettycosmos.

    The Single Woman’s 30-Day Blogging Challenge

    1. Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?
    2. Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.
    3. Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.
    4. Your biggest fear as a single person.
    5. The biggest misconception you think people have about single life
    6. Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”
    7. Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point
    8. Five things that are most important to you in a future mate
    9. Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do (For example, I sometimes dance around the house with my cat to Frank Sinatra)
    10. Google the meaning of your name and talk about how it fits or doesn’t fit you
    11. Your worst/funniest/most embarrassing date
    12. Your proudest accomplishment
    13. Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship
    14. Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful
    15. Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?
    16. If you planted a time capsule right now of your life to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?
    17. What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?
    18. If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?
    19. What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?
    20. Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it
    21. How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?
    22. What fictional character in a movie, tv show, or book do you identify with and why?
    23. Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!)
    24. If you could relive ONE day of your life, what would it be? And would you change anything?
    25. Describe a moment when you “paid it forward.” What happened and how did it feel?
    26. Name a song that makes you cry every time you hear it and why
    27. Talk about something that you really, really, really love about yourself.
    28. Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. In any area of life: Career, Love, etc.
    29. Who is your closest or most special friend that you’ve never met and what do they mean to you? How did you cross paths? Talk about how you “met” them: Facebook, Twitter, an online support group, etc.
    30. Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say
    Okay, I guess I'll start TOMORROW!! 

    Sunday, July 12, 2015

    men in skirts are sexy

    I have the hot for men wearing skirt. uhh? No! not that kind of skirt mind you!

    Although men did not—didn't want to—admit that they Do Wear Skirt, they keep insisting it wasn't a skirt!

    My people wears sarong(kain pelikat), both men and women. Although I am not one of the youth who frequently wears them, but I still do own it—just like every other youth in the country.

    Here, men—from children to elderly—wears sarong and sampin(samping) to the prayers, official ceremony, festivity such as Aidilfitri, and definitely on their own wedding day(for the Malay)!

    Sarong is a long skirt, wrapped or tied around the waist. Commonly, it has plaid or checkered pattern—women usually wear batik dyed sarong. It can be wear for whatever daily routine, though only elderly seem confident in wearing them nowadays. I don't think I ever saw men nor women wearing sarong in a convenience store lately. 

    Sampin is a knee-level sarong wore by men over their pants or/and shirt. History says that sampin serve to indicate a man ranks in the society; only royalties may wear the sampin over their shirt. But of course now everyone can choose however they wear the sarong. I prefer; over the shirt.

    How I came to realize that men all over the world wears skirt? Don't you wonder?

    There's a time when me and my family is watching a spartan sort of movie(or at least there was me watching the movie, I'm not sure about the other). And the soldiers were fighting, swinging their swords around and then there's their battle skirt twirling and twirling and their thigh and calf are popping with muscle. I wonder out loud; "Why are they wearing skirt?" I think I heard my father snort. And then I realize something that change how I look at our clothing forever! and I said. "Hey, you're wearing a skirt too!" My father decide to ignore me of course... mumbling about its different or something.

    That was a very long time ago, it's surprising that I even remember about it. Well, after the revelation I don't really think much of it. I just always aware that I sometime wonder thing like why are these men not wearing a sampin, why are they wearing it like that, that it's not cool, this mannequin sucks! etc. etc. I figure out sometimes ago that I like seeing men wearing baju Melayu properly with sampin. 

    Of course there's the day that I figure out the word 'kilt'. What's that? Kilt is skirt, but it's called kilt when men goes commando under it! I somehow compared the Scottish tartan kilt with the plaid sarong. It almost looks the same, almost! Especially the long kilts. And I found out about the Utilikilts Co.; they make HOT modern kilts. Now I know men(and not just Scottish) wears men-skirt everywhere! It's sexy and hot! Every guy in the world must wear them.

    On another thoughts; it's been years that the Pelikat Pants out on sale, it was great but it lost all it suppose HOTNESSSS! I personally don't like it—I didn't say I hate it though. I'm ardent supporter for men in real sarong! I don't understand why one want to change a skirt into a pants and claim it to be the skirt '2.0'... I think someone ought to make the real kain pelikat 2.0, modernize it somehow! I'd like to see that one day. I just hope it keeps the hotness level! 

    Friday, July 10, 2015

    #review; Matched (Matched, #1)

    by Ally Condie (0525423648)
    Shelf: Science Fiction |dystopia
    Links: @Goodreads | @Amazon | @Mobilism

    my rating: really liked it ()
    I was hesitant to take up this book at first, because the blurb are clear to indicate romance. It's not like I dislike the genre, it's actually quite a significant element in one story. I was proven wrong to presume it's all about love triangle though. Matched had adventure in it.
    "Cassia has always trusted the Society to make the right choices for her: what to read, what to watch, what to believe. So when Xander's face appears on-screen at her Matching ceremony, Cassia knows with complete certainty that he is her ideal mate... until she sees Ky Markham's face flash for an instant before the screen fades to black."
    I haven't read that many dystopia book and I'm not a very good judge in character but I think this book came out just fine. Although I have read a bad review for the book, but I dissented. 

    The story revolve around Cassia who had her Matching ceremony with other teen all across the Society, including her long childhood—best friend; Xander. She was happy and certain with her match until she saw Ky's face on her screen, in the privacy of her home. It probably wouldn't cause a problem if she did not know Ky personally, but she did. No one know the incident but Cassia, so does the Society. And then she told her—willingly—dying grandpa. 

    Cassia have the right to be curios, but the Society don't think so. So they assure her that it was a glitch in the system. Too late, curiosity already got her. I personally think that it's a good trait in the character, because she didn't 100% follow whatever the Society tells her—after she got curious. She had the tendency to rebel—no matter how small is the action.

    Xander was not just eyecandy, but also a nice and clever character. He love Cassia, probably even before the match is set. Cassia believe in her match, though she still had some uncertainty about Ky, so she keeps close eyes on him and start noticing things about him. Certain event and choices lead them closer together and they manage to get to know each other well. Which of course lead to the love—not really—triangle.

    The Society decide everything; your day, food, job, activities, and of course your partner. The'll send the food to your front door, decide your job by exams and social rank, pick a song for the club and a play for the theater, set up the games and a few out door activities for you, matched the DNA of your partner, everything is monitored and recorded. Their control is overwhelming. But no one is complaining—no one can. They fixed all kinds of illness. It's seem like a right payment for a freedom.

    This book is a science fiction, with fine technology, appreciation of human ability and skills, extreme authority, nice grandpa, and harsh landscape. 

    Thursday, July 9, 2015

    Gangsta. [anime]


    Meh~ I've waited for this anime since [insert some date here!]. This anime is practically dirty, naughty and bloody! The first episode started with a whore scene and her pimp! But I'm sure its going to be a good anime, regardless it's future profanity contents. I'm actually pretty excited to see it.

    Of course the real reason is because of the VA, Junichi Suwabe. He is voicing Worick, one of the naughty boy. His partner Nicolas is a very interesting character! I don't remember ever seeing disabled(deaf) anime character before. So, it's very fascinating to see one. (Though I probably seen disabled character before, but I'm not remembering any now). It's actually pretty funny to see him threatening people with his poor speech, not because of his speech but because he look so badass while at it!!

    Worick and Nicolas

    This anime is actually pretty fun.
    la plot: In the city of Ergastulum, a shady ville filled with made men and petty thieves, whores on the make and cops on the take, there are some deeds too dirty for even its jaded inhabitants to touch. Enter the "Handymen," Nic and Worick, who take care of the jobs no one else will handle. Until the day when a cop they know on the force requests their help in taking down a new gang muscling in on the territory of a top Mafia family. It seems like business (and mayhem) as usual, but the Handymen are about to find that this job is a lot more than they bargained for. -myanimelist

    Wednesday, July 8, 2015

    God Eater [anime]

    I've been waiting for the anime adaptation since I saw the 'God Eater Prologue' the OAV. I don't play the game so I wouldn't really know much about it. But the OAV is enough to catch my attention! So much action! So much chaos!!

    I knew there will be a full series but I don't know why I thought that it will a different storyline. Obviously I was wrong!! Was there even a different storyline/version of God Eater in the game?

    I was browsing Nakai Kazuya's page in myanimelist(mal) today when I saw it; God Eater!!

    At first I thought it was the game page, but I was uncertain and definitely curious. So I clicked it! I was surprised! Surprise to see that it was actually a full series anime! I was surprise that there will be Soma!(even though I click from his VA page, I'm still surprise to see him) And I was surprise to see that it was produced by ufotable!(but that is expected since the Prologue was by them too.)

    this is Soma
    I guess, I'm expecting alot of mayhem in this series. Since I don't really know anything about the storyline. Except that Soma is the son of some high ranking people and he's quite and brilliant! (okay I admit that this is nothing about the storyline at all)

    le plot: In the year 2071, the Far East is ruled by angry gods. 20 years ago unknown life forms called “Oracle cells” begin their uncontrolled consumption of all life on Earth. Humanity both fears them and reveres them as "aragami." They are immune to all weapons and the mankind's numbers continue to dwindle. The last bastion of hope is the newly developed "God Arcs" weapons that utilize Oracle cells to fight back. The weapons wielders band together into an elite force dubbed "God Eaters." -animenewsnetwork

    So basically;
    1. the Oracle cell is eating the Earth. 
    2. People are scared of them and deeply respect this Aragami monster [?]
    3. Aragami can't be kill by normal weaponry.
    4. Human are declining in numbers.
    5. God Arcs is made using the Oracle cell which able to kill the Aragami
    6. God Eaters handle these God Arcs weapons.
    meh! it was a fine background, but I wanna know about this Soma guy.... I don't understand how I can take so much interest in a character I haven't even know yet. We'll wait the first episode in a few days and see...


    Thursday, July 2, 2015

    tv drama


    Our household used to subscribe a satellite pay tv network(astro), but it have been more than 3 years since we last activate the subscription. We windup sticking to the free-to-air satellite channels -which is not much- with a total of 3 to 5 channel depending on the whether and time.

    So I've not much options of selection for my free time entertainment. It is either TV1 or TV2 most of the time, often I choose neither as I rather read a fictional books or documentaries. These two are the national gov tv channel(rtm).

    Although I stay clear from watching television, I could not actually bypass the constant noise from the living/dining room. Also, my parents like to watch all the ridiculous shows for their amusement.

    Since rtm is a gov. owned channels I assume that it have a decent support from the ministry. The fact that it is the first public broadcaster in Malaysia make it seem rather a large company. Supposedly they have contracted a variety of artist in all time, I still don't have it in me to like it enough.

    Most of the shows are crap. I apologize if I sound so rude. I tolerate the televisions and radio channel simply because it's free and it's availability, but most of the time the local shows make me gag and grimace in agony.

    There was a time when I was just siting around in the living room-albeit far away from the tv- when suddenly I heard a familiar soundtrack playing in the background of some drama. Now it would be fine if they reuse it from their own shows, but it clearly weren't and a total rip-off from a kid show. My little respect to the broadcaster grew poor that day.

    It is ridiculous, unprofessional, and so humiliating, I was very upset and I question their credibility intensely. And to think that now the ministry that owned the broadcast started the internet censorship.

    I know for a fact that rtm had it own orchestra, so it's no excuse to not make their own original soundtrack, really. They also had a bunch of contract with singers and bands and I keep wondering why they didn't make use of it considerably. They keep recycling old music and sometimes unrelated songs, which appall me greatly.

    The quality of the tv drama they show are vary greatly. It's like there's no standard check up when they started showing the films. As if they only need a copy of the show on tape and then directly put it on the list. I always flip whenever I see absurd and ludicrous acting-that I keep seeing all the time- and gleeful when they do make some exceptional performance. I wonder when they'll start reforming their nonexistent systems.

    Wednesday, July 1, 2015

    July First


    It is very obvious that I no longer active in writing all kinds of rants in this weblog. I admit that I really miss my lost enthusiasm in blogging. Though it quite clear to me that no one really following this blog regularly, and I don't believe that any of my friend have any interest in keeping updates of me from this lonely blog. I've long accept that this blog only exist to fulfill my self-indulgence.

    In reality, I confess that it is not easy for me to write an entry. It never were easy from the beginning. I've always spend a great deal of time thinking of what to write, or how to write certain event/thoughts. A quarter of that time were the actual typing.

    I'm very conscious of my level in speaking (in both English and Malay;including local accents) are very poor. No matter if I can read fluently from a paragraph, I still cannot speak properly and have a pleasing conversation. I suspect that is why people seems to see me as an odd one. Of course I don't really know that, but I'm aware that people tend to steer away from conversing trivial topics with me. Which what makes me feel very little of myself.

    I had friends who claimed that I am their best friend, so it always sadden me that those people never thought to include me in their personal affair, or at least have some heart-to-heart conversation. I could be the one to blame for that, since I don't openly converse with just about anyone. It never really that hard to get me talking, but there's not many who'd given me the chance. I can count them in one hand, although none of them have stayed longer than a year.

    I never were a people person, never will be. So when I went to study and stayed in student hostel, I was overwhelmed. Terrified. I put up a front as soon as I sat on my room. At first it was fine getting to know each other. Well the first 2 hour of the orientation I say. I turned very distrustful, it just happen. None of the people I met that day actually make me feel easy, which for someone like me is a very horrid feeling.

    I numbed it all very quickly. I thought I adapted to my surrounding, when in fact I never feels at ease under my own skin. There might be moments when I able to let go and be myself but there's a huge gap in between the moment. Although I could be enjoying my time there at the time, since I'm so numb I don't really gets whats going on. But then I regret my time there and my inability to be happy. I regret that my weakness and fear render me unpleasantly that I am not truly happy.