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Wednesday, July 1, 2015

July First


It is very obvious that I no longer active in writing all kinds of rants in this weblog. I admit that I really miss my lost enthusiasm in blogging. Though it quite clear to me that no one really following this blog regularly, and I don't believe that any of my friend have any interest in keeping updates of me from this lonely blog. I've long accept that this blog only exist to fulfill my self-indulgence.

In reality, I confess that it is not easy for me to write an entry. It never were easy from the beginning. I've always spend a great deal of time thinking of what to write, or how to write certain event/thoughts. A quarter of that time were the actual typing.

I'm very conscious of my level in speaking (in both English and Malay;including local accents) are very poor. No matter if I can read fluently from a paragraph, I still cannot speak properly and have a pleasing conversation. I suspect that is why people seems to see me as an odd one. Of course I don't really know that, but I'm aware that people tend to steer away from conversing trivial topics with me. Which what makes me feel very little of myself.

I had friends who claimed that I am their best friend, so it always sadden me that those people never thought to include me in their personal affair, or at least have some heart-to-heart conversation. I could be the one to blame for that, since I don't openly converse with just about anyone. It never really that hard to get me talking, but there's not many who'd given me the chance. I can count them in one hand, although none of them have stayed longer than a year.

I never were a people person, never will be. So when I went to study and stayed in student hostel, I was overwhelmed. Terrified. I put up a front as soon as I sat on my room. At first it was fine getting to know each other. Well the first 2 hour of the orientation I say. I turned very distrustful, it just happen. None of the people I met that day actually make me feel easy, which for someone like me is a very horrid feeling.

I numbed it all very quickly. I thought I adapted to my surrounding, when in fact I never feels at ease under my own skin. There might be moments when I able to let go and be myself but there's a huge gap in between the moment. Although I could be enjoying my time there at the time, since I'm so numb I don't really gets whats going on. But then I regret my time there and my inability to be happy. I regret that my weakness and fear render me unpleasantly that I am not truly happy.

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