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Monday, January 25, 2016

Sincerity always shows


And so does insincerity. 


I've always thought that I'm sincere in every things that I've done. Even if somehow I felt forced to do things―that eventually do good for someone, I will try to convince myself that whatever I did weren't that bad and believe that it helps somehow.

I used to do things that others told me to, I used to say 'yes' for every of their requests, I used to try my hardest to help peopleeven strangers. I don't like seeing anyone hopelessly looking for their missing precious possession or lost in a midst of crowds or drowning in a sea of emotions.


I thought that I could feel one's silent cries for help. Even if I often did not respond to them because I myself have no way of knowing how. But I always thought that doing a small things that one would take for granted would help the least in their crisis.

But when I do these things, people often didn't see it and I'd never mention it. It will never be listed in their book of gratitude. And that is fine, because my conscious know what I have done for them. Unfortunately, some would only see what I have not done to make it better and demanded answer as to why have I not?

I would not answer them. I can't, because there's no true answer to that.


I can fell it in my bones when I'm reluctant to do others bidding. It's not often that I feel that way but I'm only a human after all. I'll try to comfort myself and do it regardless, but when it didn't do much to my actions, I rather not do it at all.

Everything feels different. There's no rush in my blood. No sense of satisfaction in completing the task. My face is gloomy and its ugly! It shows. It shows. I always wonder how the people find my help. Will it actually be helpful? Or am I just being dumb and hurtful?

So I experience it myself. I found that I rather not accept their help, because I'm feeling like a burden. I would wait until they break it that 'no' they don't like it. But when that never came and they try too hard and subtly undo it, I feel like breaking.


I can't really say that I'm sorry, because I didn't make their decision. In either situation.


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